Pastor or Boss?

What is a pastor? I think any pastor would tell you it goes way beyond the person who preaches a sermon on Sunday mornings. A pastor is a mentor, a trusted spiritual guide, someone you turn to when you have questions…are vulnerable or struggling, and so much more.

What is a boss? I think most people would describe their boss as their supervisor. They are someone you report to. They are someone who sets out your expectations and makes sure you meet them. They can be supportive, they can be helpful, and can even be friendly…however none of those are things that are required. There’s certainly a line…typically a clear one…that the employee knows they can’t cross. No matter how much you like your boss…they typically cannot become your friend and should not be treated as such.

What do you do when your boss is also your pastor? Where is that line? Is there a line? Does the line shift dependent on the situation? I wish I knew the answers to these questions. I think they would have saved me a lot of pain in more than one situation.

Something I saw in my two internships was that both youth directors I worked for had strong relationships with the senior pastor…who was ultimately their supervisor. They had a strong working relationship…but they also seemed invested in each other. The senior pastor seemed invested not just in the youth ministry but the youth director themselves…and vice versa. When I experienced what I did at my first full time job…I felt that was an obvious hole that should have been addressed. The senior pastor was very aloof with the youth ministry, clearly didn’t communicate well with the youth director, and it led to both the youth director and I avoiding interaction with him if we could help it. I was determined to not let that be the case when I took my first job as THE youth director at my new church.

At first I felt like this is what my new pastor wanted. She certainly communicated as much. I remember her telling me, and all the staff she worked for…that her office door was always open. She wanted to know what we were excited about, what we were nervous about, and especially if we were running into a problem and wanted her insight. So I did. I ran into lots of problems at that church. They were going through transitions I had been thrown into the middle of and I was having issues handling the relationships around those transitions. I had flat out been told to avoid relationships with specific people in the church that she found to be problematic. So I did. I had been told not to repeat the mistakes of my predecessor…whom it was common to complain about and disgrace in our conversations…so I did my best to do so.

I would try to be open and up front when I felt I had made a mistake. It led to some stressful conversations…but I felt they all landed in a good place. She was my pastor. She wanted me to succeed and I trusted that I could be vulnerable.

About 10 months into the job, we came to the end of summer…youth week. We’d have activities every day leading to “Youth Sunday” where the youth would lead the services on Sunday. The last fun activity we had that week was a tubing trip down a river about an hour away. We were getting ready to leave when I got a call from a parent. They were running late. I offered to wait for them, but they declined and said they would just meet us at the river. While we were on our way…I received a call from my wife. She had gotten hurt at work and was being taken to urgent care. I was on a bus with 20+ kids and several adults...and I was beyond frustrated that I was not at my wife's side in that moment. I spent the rest of the trip stressed about her condition. Since we were tubing down a river I didn’t want to risk losing my phone during a critical time so I left it on the bus. When we got back to the bus I rushed to check my phone. I had several missed calls. Not from my wife…but from the youth parent who I forgot to meet at the river.

I tried to get a hold of them but to no avail. I felt awful, but at that point there was nothing I could do. My wife had gotten home at that point…she was ok but would have to miss work for at least a couple weeks. I made the decision to tell my pastor what had happened as soon as we got back. I wanted her to hear it from me instead of an angry parent.

When I told her everything…she looked at me aghast. “How could you let that happen?” she asked. She was visibly upset. “What are you going to do to fix it?” I told her I had tried to reach out to the parents already…that I would also send an email and try to talk to them in person next time I saw them. “What are you going to do in the future to make sure this doesn’t happen again?” I was speechless. All I could think was…well hopefully next time my wife won’t be taken to urgent care while I’m on a youth trip and I’ll be more present. All I ended up being able to say was that I’d communicate better with the adults around me. She still hadn’t asked how my wife was doing. It felt strange and surprising that the more concerning aspect of the day was a youth and their parent missing an event...not my wife's medical emergency. She asked why I thought this had happened. I started to cry. I told her I had been struggling with anxiety and this situation had brought that to the surface. I had struggled with anxiety for a long time and was lost as to what to do. I thought I was talking to my pastor.

She admitted to me that she had a hard time understanding people who struggled with anxiety. She said one of our former coworkers had struggled to the point to where they sought out therapy…she was sure they wouldn’t mind her telling me that. That felt off. She said she’d get me the name of that therapist if I wanted. She never did. Two days later we had Youth Sunday. When it was over she told me good job. About a week and a half after that…she walked into my office with the chair of the staff committee at the church…and informed me that I had been terminated.

When I asked why they shared an awkward glance and I was given aloof answers about my struggles with administration skills…told something about wanting “strong leadership,” to move them into a “brighter future.” I was told I could protest the decision…but I’d be putting the severance they were offering at risk if I did. It became apparent to me in that moment…I had just been talking to my boss the whole time.